Following Jacks death in July 2005, I began the long process of grieving the man who had been part of my life for 27 years. The process of healing from the loss of a mate has no timetable and in reality lasts a lifetime. However, the initial months and first year are by far the most intense period for the mate left behind who is given the task to redefine life without the person who has helped to define life in the past. The person you were when your mate was alive no longer exists and you are faced with the task of recreating – by yourself - a new you.

That is exactly the task I was faced with when Jack died. I used a number of methods to begin this recovery and redefining myself. They included support from a core group of family and friends as well as counseling via services provided by Hospice of The Valley. However the most engaging and meaningful path to recovery was seen in what I wrote. In addition to other writings the core of what I wrote began with a series of poems/songs initiated in December 2005 and continued through January 2007. I wrote 20 poems/songs in all, and most are featured in some fashion in the book Finding My Banana Bread Man.

What began as a book of poetry became

• A legacy to Jack

• A story of incredible determination in the face of tragedy

• A learning tool for those who face certain death

• A survival manual on recovery for the mate that remains.

• A tool to recognize hospital miscues

• A bird’s eye view of the horrors of brain cancer

• A primer on forgiveness and self forgiveness

• A love story

• And a book of poetry intertwined within the story

Poetry provides a beautiful element to this book, which makes the story come alive for the reader.

You are about to read four poems, which provide a glimpse of the story contained in Finding My Banana Bread Man.

The first two are entitled “He was My Soft Place To Land” and “Memories of Green” are mentioned in the heading of this web site in the statement that reads, “He continues to provide me ‘Memories of Green’ and will always be ‘My Soft Place to Land.’”

The last two are entitled “It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” and “The Hummingbirds Sweet Smile” which were special poems dedicated to the healing power of nature and a seemingly insignificant popcorn seed. I found my lost mate in two extraordinary real life experiences following his death. These surreal moments rekindled hope, which had vanished when Jack died.

“He Was My Soft Place To Land”

I still remember I still know
Where my eyes first saw his glow
I still see the distant land
Where I first saw that sweet man

I still recall the hair of gold
How it parted - how it glowed
I still see those eyes so brown
How they turned my heart around

“He Was My Soft Place To Land”
That sweet and gentle loving man

I’m not the only one to know
All the gifts he had to show
He showered them on many more
So much love he had to pour

He gave gifts of time and chat
For each heart that needed that
Recipes for life he scattered
Showing each what really mattered

Providing sage right from the heart
So popular right from the start
Always there to listen too
The strength of what he was to you

“He Was Your Soft Place To Land”
That sweet and gentle loving man

And so I shared my gift of him
With each and every one he trimmed
With all the ladies that he cared for
And that he was always there for

He held each one of you like gold
Sharing recipes of old
Weaving tales rich and wild
As he did your hair in style

“He Was Your Soft Place To Land”
That sweet and gentle loving man

I still miss him by my side
He was my life’s gentle ride
What he always gave to you
Was also – always mine – times two

I still see the distant land
Where I first saw that sweet man
I still see those eyes so brown
How they turned my heart around

“He Was My Soft Place To Land”
That sweet and gentle loving man

“Memories Of Green”

A killing frost - fell on the ground
It took away life - all around
Green and fresh - what I recall
Living breathing plants - so tall

Remember how the sun would shine
How the rain would feed the vines
Remember how it was all small
And how it all grew into tall

And then the killing frost arrived
With mighty force - and deadly stride
It took away life – all around
As dusty white - fell on the ground

Death becomes what can be seen
But I have “Memories Of Green”

And so it is with cancers march
Just like the frost – a molten starch
It takes away all life around
It spreads and chocks - and turns life brown

Remember how - the sun would shine
How love became - the story line
Remember how - we grew from small
And how – we grew from small to tall

Life is like the frost we see
It sometimes kills the beauty
And underneath the killing frost
Are memories of all that’s lost

Death becomes what can be seen
But I have “Memories Of Green”

When frost has taken life from you
Erased and snatched what you grew
Remember how the sun would shine
How the rain would feed the vines

Death becomes what can be seen
But you have “Memories Of Green”

“Its Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed”

Each time I think I have moved on to forge a life brand new
Some speck of what we had appears – and I remember you
It may be something simple and appear to no one else
Of any great importance – but to me it holds such wealth

“It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – leftover’s from a feast
But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased

I know you’re not all tucked away inside that yellow crumb
But in that tiny hardened shell lays memories – joy – and fun
And even when the road was dark and illness came to stay
Those bowls of fresh popped kernels - sat right there on your tray

Sometimes I think there’s nothing left to remind me of the fun
When something small like popcorn shells lets in the memories sun
Today I was reminded twice of you and what we shared
By simple specs of fallen food – by seeds spit in mid air

“It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – leftover’s from a feast
But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased

Popcorn was a special thing for both of us to share
At Movies on a Saturday – or home resting in chairs
Remember how you liked the butter - and extra salt - for spice
It had to be a large bag and a soda – full of ice

I know you’re not all tucked away inside that yellow crumb
But in that tiny hardened shell lays memories – joy – and fun
Today I was reminded twice of you and what we shared
By simple specs of fallen food – by seeds spit in mid air

“It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – leftover’s from a feast
But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased

Each time I think I have moved on to forge a life brand new
Some speck of what we had appears – and I remember you
It may be something simple and appear to no one else
Of any great importance – but to me it holds such wealth

“It’s Just A Lonely Popcorn Seed” – leftover’s from a feast
But in that small hard kernel - rests the you that’s now deceased

“The Hummingbird’s - Sweet Smile”

How can your little image – hold me frozen here in place?
Who are you little bird so rare – who should vanish without a trace?
Why do you sit so still – so close – and look at me – and wait?
Why do you show me colors bright – why do you hesitate?

I strolled on down this little path - and suddenly - you were there
Your little friends you flew here with - had gone - to who knows where
You returned and landed on a branch - for me to see
And little did I realize - that you would Smile On Me

Just like the life we shared for years - with color and with style
Remembered in the visit from “The Hummingbird’s - Sweet Smile”

At first you were so quiet - as I stopped to notice you
And then your little head would twist - and turn to show me blue
Startled and unsure of what to make - of you still here
I took just one step closer - and you beckoned – “Closer Dear”

The show would now begin – as you fluttered tiny wings
The sun now glistened on you clearly - asking you to sing
The color show of pinks and blues and greens - burst in mid air
The tiny bird from who knows where - was showing something rare

Just like the life we shared for years - with color and with style
Remembered in the visit from “The Hummingbird’s - Sweet Smile”

I took just one step closer - and you beckoned – “John Boy – See”
And then your little head would twist - and turn to say - “It’s Me”
The show continued onward – as you fluttered tiny wings
The sun now glistened on you clearly - asking you to sing

The color show of pinks and blues and greens - burst in mid air
The tiny bird from who knows where - was showing something rare
Suddenly you vanished - as I walked into your space
You were gone from sight again – and had vanished without trace

Just like the life we shared for years - with color and with style
Remembered in the visit from “The Hummingbird’s - Sweet Smile”

How did your little image – hold me frozen here in place?
Who were you little bird so rare – who should vanish without trace?
Why did you sit so still – so close – and look at me – and wait?
Why did you show me colors bright – why did you hesitate?

Just like the life we shared for years - with color and with style
Remembered in the visit from “The Hummingbird’s - Sweet Smile”

******************************

I continue Finding My Banana Bread Man intertwined in common and ordinary tasks undertaken each day - just as I did on that day years ago when I found a "Lonely Popcorn Seed" appearing out of nowhere. I keep on finding him in nature - just as I did when I witnessed the "Hummingbirds Sweet Smile" a few months after discovering "The Lonely Popcorn Seed."

I will always have "Memories of Green" and he will always provide me a "Soft Place To Land." Death cannot steal what my heart knows.

To see his face again I only have to share his loving spirit.

******************************

The Josh Groban song "To Where You Are" says in its final verse "I know you're there ... a breath away's not far from where you are."

And so, Jack persists to be just a breath away from me as well. Each day I search for and end up Finding My Banana Bread Man - in strange places that I look. Pieces of him have found a way to linger and to stay.

I invite you to click on the link below and listen to the song "To Where You Are" - performed by Josh Groban.

http://www.poofcat.com/whereur.html